Hades: God of Dorks
by Xx420BongSquadxX
Summary: History has been unkind to the God of the Underworld. That's why I'm here to give you the REAL story.
1. Chapter 1

"Ugh, I hate these things." Hades sighed, throwing on his coat.

"Then why do you go to them?" Thanatos asked in a raspy whisper, holding the elevator doors open.

Hades rubbed his temple, "Just… I just need to make an appearance sometimes, you know? They're my family, and apparently Hera's having a kid soon so I should wish her well."

"Well, I've got your back." Thanatos reassured Hades, placing a hand on his shoulder. He then glanced at the buttons on the elevator, and promptly selected the top floor.

The elevator whizzed up the shaft, and before long a small "ding" echoed inside, indicating that they had made it to Olympus. The doors slowly opened, revealing a crowd of gods and goddesses, enjoying conversation and sipping ambrosia. From somewhere within the crowd, a muscular figured with a curly white head and hair and bushy beard dashed to the elevator. He embraced Hades with a hug so powerful it lifted him into the air.

"Hades, bro! It's been forever!" the man jovially said in a booming voice.

"Aha, Zeus, bro…" Hades squeaked, rubbing his now aching back, "Good to, uh, see you."

"And Thanatos!" Zeus continued, "How's it going? Heard you've been _killing_ it at the office lately!"

"Ohmyfuckinggod…" Thanatos whispered, "Zeus, how the heck are ya?" he jumped back in, raising his voice."

"Can't complain, can't complain." he replied, "So, let's go get you two some drink and then…" Zeus stopped, as he suddenly heard a loud thump. He turned around and could see a woman face down on the floor with a spilled cup of ambrosia beside her.

"Welp, that's my cue!" he said. He lifted the woman over his shoulder, headed into his bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him.

"D…Did he just…" Thanatos stuttered, pointing a shaking finger at the bedroom door.

"Yeah, you're gonna have to get use to that." Hades explained, "An Olympian party with less than three counts of sexual assault is considered quite the dull affair."

"I'm starting to see why you prefer Hades." Thanatos replied

The two made their way to the refreshments table and got some drinks. While reaching for a cup, a soft hand brushed against Hades'. He looked up to see a woman in short and simple white dress, and a complexion slightly darker than most of the other gods. Her hair was a dark and rich brown, and her face seemed friendly and caring, supported in no short part by her lovely smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Hades grabbed the cup and handed it to the woman while he took another for himself.

"No worries." she replied in a flowery voice.

The two approached the large bowl containing the Elixir of the Gods, only for both to reach for the ladle and touch hands again.

"Wow, we suck at this." Hades chuckled. While he was certainly nervous around her, Hades thankfully had a well-developed sense of humor from repressing all of his social anxiety and crippling self-doubt. He gestured for the woman to get her refreshment first.

"Haha," she chirped in a warm, flowery voice, "I guess so." After her and Hades filled their cups, she reached out her hand, "Persephone, Goddess of Vegetation, Flowers… that whole general area."

Hades gripped her hand gave it a strong shake, "Hades, God of the Underworld, Justice, and, uh, basically anything underground."

"Wait… isn't the underworld called 'Hades?'" Persephone asked.

"Ugh, yes…"Hades replied, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "And before you ask, yes. It is incredibly confusing."

The conversation was interrupted by another loud thud, and the two turned to see another unconscious woman. Poseidon slung her over his shoulder.

"Well, it's been lovely, but I'd say it's about time I get going."

With that, Poseidon leaped off the mountain and rode a tidal wave back home. Hades could see Thanatos in the background with his mouth agape in shock, and Persephone slowly dumped her drink back into the punchbowl.

"You know if that was drugged you've effectively poisoned the entire punchbowl, right?" Hades pointed out shortly before refilling his glass, "So I'm trusting you to keep a lookout if I pass out."

"Awful bold of you to assume I wouldn't take advantage of such a situation." Persephone responded, giving a playful wink.

"Did… did you just hit on me with a rape joke?"

"…oh Jesus Christ that was in bad taste." Persephone gasped.

"Who?" Hades inquired.

"Sorry, I just kind of have a dark sense of humor." Persephone explained, "I understand if you aren't a fan of that sort of thing."

"What? No!" Hades replied, "No, no, no. I'm God of the Dead, black humor is totally my thing, it was more just… you were hitting on me?"

Bother Persephone and Hades blushed.

"I mean, I don't know, you seemed kind of nice." Persephone said, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head.

"I just…" Hades started, "I never really get out, so I'm not good at this whole…" he pointed at himself, and then Persephone, "Socializing thing. Let alone flirting"

Persephone smiled, "You're doing fine. I just thought I'd like to…" she paused and gently grabbed Hades' hand, "Get to know you a little."

Hades could feel the butterflies in his stomach. Beads of sweat dripped down his brow and it felt as though his heart would burst through his chest. His hands were cold and clammy, but then again they were always like that. He couldn't speak. He couldn't move. Waves of panic shot through his body until eventually something overtook him. He placed his hands on Persephone's waist, gripped her tight, and then lifted her over his head. By now, the party guests were all staring at them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Hades shrieked as he dashed towards the elevator. Persephone's eyes were wide with shock, and she was too confused to even comment on the current situation. Suddenly the door to Zeus' bedroom burst open.

"Woo, four-and-a-half minutes! A new rec… what's this?" he said, squinting at Hades, "Aha! 'Bout time the lad got a girlfriend!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Hades continued to cry and he frantically pushed the "Going Down" button on the elevator.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVER-LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?" Demeter cried, dashing towards the God of the Dead. Thankfully for Hades, the door had finally opened.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Hades continued to scream as he bashed his head against the "Close Doors" button. Demeter grew closer and closer, but thankfully the doors closed before she could reach them.

"I WILL LITERALLY KILL EVERYTHING!" Demeter screamed.

Hades hit the "Underworld" button, and the elevator began to zip down. He promptly stopped screaming and put down Persephone.

"So, uh, anyway, how about we go grab coffee sometime?" Hades asked.


	2. Chapter 2

"Wow, you – uh – you weren't kidding about not knowing how to flirt." Persephone flatly pointed out.

"Aw, jeez… what was it? Do you not like coffee?" Hades nervously asked.

"You… you're really not sure on that one?" a baffled Persephone inquired.

 _Meanwhile, on Olympus…_

"How are you so okay with this?!" an enraged Demeter questioned.

"Why would I be?" Zeus snapped back, "Hades gets lonely! It's so dark and gloomy down there. A girlfriend would do him good!"

"She's literally our daughter!" Demeter screamed.

"And Hades is a stand-up guy! He'll make a great son-in-law."

"No. No no no." Demeter repeated to herself as she called the elevator, "I'm sorting this out, and until it is sorted out everything is going to start dying."

"Wait, no!" Hera shouted, walking towards Demeter while using her arm to support her swollen belly, "I'm literally going into labor!"

"Oh shit, you're pregnant?" Zeus butted in.

"Relax, dumbass, it's not yours." Hera clarified.

"Ugh, fine. Your baby will remain unharmed." Demeter replied.

"Oh, thank you!" Hera joyfully exclaimed.

 _One short and painful birth later…_

"I think I'll name him Hephaestus…" a tired Hera said, holding a swaddled and covered child. She pulled back the blanket to see his face, but much to her surprise, was horrified. The child had a crooked nose, extended jaw, drooping eye and cleft palate. All of the gods were inhumanly beautiful, but this one had somehow been born a monstrosity.

"Ew, gross." Hera said. She stood up, and with Hephaestus in one hand, extended her arm backwards.

"YEET!" Hera cried as she hurled the baby off of Mount Olympus.

"Oh well," Hera relented, "There's always next time.

 _Meanwhile, back in Hades…_

"And that's why you don't kidnap people you're romantically interested in. Or anyone, really. Just don't kidnap people." Persephone explained.

"Oh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up." a grateful Hades replied.

"You know, I'm not sure why you insisted this place was so 'dark' and 'gloomy,' I'm really digging the aesthetic here." Persephone observed.

"You – you really like it?" a pleasantly surprised Hades asked.

"Of course!" Persephone continued, "I mean you've got these veins of silver and bunches of gemstones everywhere! It really compliments the black stone and accentuates the beauty of these precious metals."

"Well, thanks!" Hades gleefully exclaimed, "I always liked it too but everyone else seemed…" Hades stopped, as he was interrupted by the familiar "ding" of an elevator that had just arrived.

"Oh Neptune…" a nervous Hades whispered.

After the doors opened, a surprisingly calm looking Demeter loomed over the pair. Her twitching upper lip, however, gave away just how absolutely livid the goddess was. She stomped towards Hades, her gaze burning into his soul. Once she was inches in front of him, Demeter gripped the collar of his tunic with surprising strength and hoisted Hades one foot into the air.

"Give. Her. Back." Demeter growled behind her clenched teeth.

"Well, the – the thing is – I, uh… um…" Hades stuttered as he shook with absolute terror.

"Mom!" Persephone said in a resolute tone, "It's okay. He wasn't trying to kidnap me, he's just an idiot."

"Well, I wouldn't say 'idiot' so much as socially…" Hades stopped speaking as Demeter dropped him onto the cold stone floor.

"Excuse me?" Demeter inquired, having cooled slightly but still very much infuriated.

"Mom, I – I really like him. And, I…" Persephone paused the wipe the sweat from her brow, "I want to give this a shot."

"Oh, no. No, no no, no no NO!" Demeter rushed towards Persephone and grabbed her by the wrist, "I am not letting you stay with this creep!"

"Okay, you need to cut this shit out!" Hades said, rising from the floor, "Demeter, I am not just God of the Dead. Justice falls within my influence and I am going to figure this shit out."

"No, you aren't. Come on, Persephone." Demeter insisted, tugging at her daughter's arm.

"You don't get it," Hades continued, "This conflict literally cannot be solved unless I solve it. I am a god, Demeter. Not just some 'creep.' So let her go and talk to me, dammit!"

Both Demeter and Persephone's eyes were wide with shock, though in somewhat different ways. Demeter seemed taken aback, whereas Persephone looked more impressed. Regardless, Demeter released her daughter and moved to Hades, prepared to negotiate.

"Your daughter and I have…" Hades paused and nervously glanced at the floor, "Feelings for each other." He looked back up, his eyes meeting Demeter's, "It is my understanding that she'd like to stay here, with me, to begin our relationship. And so she will join me here, in the Underworld. How do you feel about these terms?"

"No." Demeter bluntly replied.

"P – Pardon?" Hades asked, confused.

"No, I won't allow it."

"Demeter…" Hades began, rubbing his forehead in frustration, "We can't leave here unless we come to some…"

"NO!" Demeter shouted, "My daughter is a goddess of life and growth. But you? A God of Death…"

"Technically that's Thanatos. Actually, maybe he'd qualify as a psychopomp…" Hades interrupted.

"I will not accept this!" an enraged Demeter growled.

Hades held out his hand, gesturing to the ground, and soon a tree began to sprout from the floor. It grew taller and taller, soon sprouting branches. Upon those branches grew leaves and round red fruit. A single fruit fell from the tree, directly into Hades' open hand. Once he had the fruit, the tree's growth regressed until it shrank back into the ground, completely disappearing.

"This is the fruit of the dead." Hades stated.

"That's a pomegranate." Demeter bluntly replied.

"It's the fruit of the dead." a slightly annoyed Hades answered.

"Honey," Persephone interrupted, "My mom and I are both goddesses of life and nature. We know what a pomegranate is."

"IT'S THE FRUIT OF THE DEAD!" Hades shouted. He took a moment to regain his composure and split the fruit open, revealing a bounty of bright red seeds.

"These seeds, when consumed, bind one to Hades. For each seed consumed, one will have no choice but to spend one month of every year in the Underworld."

Without prompt, a determined Persephone waltzed over to Hades and stole a half of the fruit. She plucked a seed from its flesh and popped it into her mouth.

"Persephone!" a shocked Demeter cried.

"Damn, you're really going all in, huh?" a pleasantly surprised Hades asked, "Demeter, until we reach some sort of agreement, Persephone will continue to consume the seeds. If you continue to act this stubborn, she will forever be a goddess of the underworld."

"Wait, what if you eat 13?" Demeter asked.

"I – I just assume there's no real effect after you eat 12." Hades answered, "I don't know. I've never really had to use these before."

"Stop stalling!" Persephone shouted, consuming a second seed.

"No!" Demeter cried, "Persephone, please, think about what you're doing!"

Persephone said nothing, but instead grabbed four seeds from the fruit and dangled them menacingly over her mouth.

"You wouldn't." Demeter insisted.

Again, wordlessly, Persephone dropped the seeds into her mouth. She chewed for a moment and then swallowed. Suddenly, the white dress adorning Persephone shifted to an obsidian black. Her skin went from bronze to a deathly grey. Her eyes – once hazel – changed to a bright and shiny blue. Her hair grew lighter and lighter in color, eventually turning a shining silver. She observed her new form for a moment, and then flashed her mother a dubious grin.

"Fine!" Demeter cried, "Fine. I'll negotiate."

"Very well," Hades replied, "What are your terms?"

"Persephone will stay with you for six months every year." Demeter regretfully answered, "But for the other half of the year, she will be free to go where she wishes."

"That… seems more than fair…" Hades answered, somewhat confused by these generous terms.

"But!" Demeter added.

"Oh for fuck's sake." Hades grumbled.

"Whenever my daughter is not with me, I will continue my temper tantrum resulting in everything dying."

"That seems horribly un…" Hades was interrupted by Persephone's lips greeting his in a long, passionate kiss. Demeter looked on in horror. When she was finished, Persephone lifted her head from Hades', giving him a loving glance. Hades slumped back in his chair, a completely dumbfounded look covering his face.

"Hades," she sweetly began, "I know my mother. These are the best terms we'll get. I'll stay with you for half the year…" she paused, and clasped his hands within hers and rubbed them gently, "And the other half I'll be with her, thinking of you every moment."

"Yes, dear." Hades replied, still in shock from their moment of passion.

"Mother," Persephone beckoned, turning to Demeter, "Do you accept these terms?"

Demeter, her face twisted in revulsion and disgust, took a moment to respond.

"Fine."

Demeter silently turned from the duo and made her way to the elevator. The doors opened and she went inside. She turned around and, as the doors closed, glared at Hades and Persephone.

"I hope you're happy."


	3. Chapter 3

"Ugh!" an infuriated Demeter shouted, stepping out from the elevator.

"And what's the cause of such frustration?" Zeus questioned.

"Persephone." Demeter grunted, "My dear, darling daughter wants to stay with your horrid brother!"

"Ahaha, he did it!" Zeus shouted as he raised his cup and turned towards the other gods.

"Everyone, a toast! My beloved brother and God of the Underworld, Hades, has finally caught himself a bride!"

An uproarious cheer came from the crowd as the raised their drinks in a toast and took deep sips from their cups.

"Wait, what?" Thanatos asked in complete disbelief, "Hades has gotten married?"

"And we all know what that means, don't we, lads?" Zeus rhetorically asked.

"Party!" the crowd responded in unison.

"Everyone, to Hades!" Zeus commanded. The crowd rushed and crowded into the elevator – Thanatos chief among them. The only god to remain on Olympus was Demeter. She sat on the floor, dejected, with her back slouched against a Corinthian column.

"Why… why did she have to run away?" the goddess wondered, tears welling up in her eyes, "I only want my baby girl back… Persephone, I only want you back…" Demeter clasped her face in her palms, weeping over her dear lost daughter.

"Fucking party pooper." Zeus sighed.

Once everyone was packed in the elevator, Zeus sent it down into the pits of earth. The doors soon opened, and the crowd rushed outside into the underworld. They were surrounded by obsidian stone riddled with veins of precious metals and gemstones.

"Where are they? Where are they?!" a properly sauced Zeus wondered. Exploring the lobby of Hades, Zeus found an unopened door. With all of his might, he kicked the door down. Inside, he found a nude Hades lying on a bed, with an equally unclothed Persephone on top of him.

"Haha, brother!" Zeus guffawed.

"Gah!" Hades shouted as he and Persephone grabbed the closest pieces of clothing, "What in the fucking shit are you doing here?"

"Hades!" Thanatos gleefully chimed, peeping in through the doorway, "Oh, I, um… is this a bad time?"

"Of fucking course it is!" Hades screeched, "Are you familiar with what a 'Honeymoon' is?"

"But brother, you are wed!" Zeus drunkenly declared, "It'd be criminal not to celebrate!"

"Believe me, we were celebrating." Persephone pointed out, "Unfortunately, a certain – and incredulously rude – someone chose to interrupt."

"Ugh, I know. Demeter can be a total bitch." Zeus replied.

"Dad, don't talk about mom like that!" an enraged Persephone answered.

"Pff… whatever." Zeus said, stumbling over to Hades, "Brother, I have a question."

Hades slipped on a tunic and answered, "What is it?"

"My son Persues, like, really needs you're invisibility cloak." Zeus explained.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hades inquired

"That fucking… thing… it makes you invisible or something." Zeus clarified.

"The Helm of Darkness?" Hades asked.

"Oh okay, edgelord…" Zeus said, "Anyway, Perseus needs it for some reason."

"Ugh, fine." Hades answered, "But on two conditions."

"Okay." Zeus responded, struggling to stand.

"First, please, all of you, leave. I need some… time with my wife." Hades said, turning and flashing a loving smile at Persephone, "And second, Perseus must never take part in some twisted scheme to kidnap Persephone."

"Uh…" Persephone exhaled.

Zeus squinted at Hades, seeming incredibly confused.

"That's oddly specific," Zeus answered, "But fair, I guess."

"Good," Hades replied, "Helm's in the kitchen. Cabinet under the sink."

Without word, Zeus left the room and found the kitchen. He opened the aforementioned cabinet and found a helmet. After observing the item and seeing it was truly the Helm of Darkness, he rallied his compatriots.

"Alright, boys, change of plans!" he sloppily decreed, "We're heading back to Olympus!"

"But we just got here!" Dionysus cried.

"Yeah, but…" Zeus took a moment to think, "Fuck you, I'm Zeus!"

For some reason this resulted in the crowded crying their support, and they soon filled the elevator and lifted to Olympus.

Back in the bedroom, Persephone approached Hades from behind and gently placed her hands on his shoulders. She pulled him against herself and embraced him warmly.

"Well, that was quite charismatic of you." she whispered in a seductive tone.

"Well," Hades replied, turning around to softly kiss his bride, "You should know."

Persephone gripped Hades' arms and shoved him onto their bed. She leapt on top of him and pinned him down by the shoulders."

"Well color me both scared and aroused." Hades said, raising his eyebrows seductively.

"Dear," Persephone began, "Be prepared. I'm a goddess of life and sex is, well, kind of our thing."

 _Approximately 12.5 minutes later…_

"Oh, oh dear lord…" Hades wheezed, "I – I can't feel my legs…"

"That should go away in about… oh, I don't know, two hours?" Persephone replied, taking a deep inhale from her cigarette.

"Two hours?" Hades cried, "Honey, I have a job to do! People are dying every second! I can't just…"

Hades was silenced by a passionate kiss from Persephone. Afterwards, he simply stared at the ceiling, completely speechless.

"I'll speak with Thanatos about picking up on your slack. For now, rest. I'll be back in a half hour for the next round."

The sultry goddess strutted out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Hades simply lay on his bed, helpless and dumbfounded.

"Oh gods," he gasped, "I think I might die tonight."

Some time passed before Persephone slammed the door open. She approached the bed and dropped her robes on the floor, flashing a dubious grin. Hades quietly examined her. He was frightened at first, but her beauty filled his heart with nothing but love. He had never met anyone like her. She was somebody who truly enjoyed his company. Somebody who loved who he was, and wanted every part of him. No amount of temporary paralysis was worth losing a woman like her. Persephone was everything he wanted.

"There are worse ways to die…" Hades thought as round two commenced.


	4. Chapter 4

Persephone's eyes slowly opened, full of an infatuated glow. A hopelessly loving smile covered her lips as she turned over to her husband, who lie on his back gasping for air. His wide, blue, and bloodshot eyes were fixated on the cavern ceiling.

"So, my beloved, how long has it been?" she fluttered her eyes as her smile widened, "How long since our love was first consummated?"

"Heeeeeeeaaauuuuh…" Hades wheezed, "Two… huh, huh, two days."

Persephone's index finger gently stroked his heaving chest, "And how many times…" she paused to release a light giggle, "How many times have we…"

"HEEEEEAUUUUUH… FORTY-THREE!" Hades gasped, his eyes growing even wider.

"I must say, I'm quite impressed with your stamina."

"GUIDE ME INTO THE GREY, BELOVED! I AM YOUR INSTRUMENT!" Hades suddenly shouted before passing into sweet unconsciousness.

"Uh…" Persephone wondered. Her thoughts were soon stopped, however, with the sound of a light "ding." Knowing this meant the elevator had arrived, she figured she should greet the Underworld's newest guest considering that Hades was quite… incapacitated. She reached for the nearest robes and covered herself before waltzing over to the elevator. She saw a tall, naked woman, with the lower half of a serpent. Behind her Persephone saw the frightened and jittering head of a small puppy.

"D'aw…" Persephone squealed, pressing her hands to her cheeks, "Look at the little cutie!"

The serpent-woman turned and bent over. She grabbed the puppy and lifted him into view, caressing and kissing his heads until he calmed down.

"Oh… three heads… how… unorthodox." Persephone pondered.

"May I ask with whom I am speaking?" the serpent-woman questioned.

"Persephone, Queen of Hades."

The serpent-woman paused as a puzzled look covered her face, "…Queen? Of Hades?"

The puppy's eyes widened and ears lifted, full of anticipation.

"Is this a problem?" Persephone asked, defiantly placing her hands upon her hips.

"No, no… not at all! It's just… Hades got married?"

"Yup." Persephone flatly replied.

The puppy leapt from the serpent woman's arms and sniffed Persephone's ankles. Before long its tail wagged in eagerness, and he released a high-pitched "Arf!" of excitement.

"Goodness, congratulations!" she squeaked, rushing to shake Persephone's hand, "I'm Echinda, and, well, this is… my son." she blushingly added.

Persephone's eyes looked to the three-headed puppy, "Did… did you fuck a dog?"

Echinda guffawed, "Goodness, no! He is the result of my bedding a fire-breathing giant."

Persephone's eyes narrowed with disbelief.

"You see, you're – my gods I cannot believe I am saying this – husband had done me a great favor in the past and, well, this boy here is my repayment."

"Uuuuuugh…" Hades groaned from the bedchamber.

"Arf!" the puppy's three heads barked in unison before rushing into the bedroom.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Hades cried from his bed.

"No!" Persephone cried, "Please, Hades needs to rest!"

Persephone dashed to the bedroom as Echinda slithered behind her.

"I'm sorry," Echinda pleaded, "He just loves to meet new people!"

"I swear if anything…" Persephone's speech and running came to a grinding halt as she and Echinda passed the threshold to the bedchamber. Inside, they saw the puppy lying on its back atop Hades' belly. Hades eagerly scratched the puppy's stomach as he continued to helplessly squeal with delight. His wide, childlike eyes met individually with each of the puppy's three heads.

"Who's a good boy?" he gushed, turning to the center head, "Who's a good boy?" he turned to the final head, "Who's a good…"

"Sweetie…" Persephone groaned, "They're all the same boy."

Hades sat upright and clutched the puppy in his arms. While the puppy continued to hold three wide, opened-mouthed grins, Hades' face turned shockingly stern.

"Yes," he growled, "And he is a _good_ boy."

"Bark!" the puppy snarled, defending Hades. Hades suddenly noticed the serpent-woman accompanying Persephone.

"Echinda!" Hades happily announced. He turned down to look at the puppy, and then back at Echinda, "And who is this little boy you've brought to my kingdom?"

"My son, my lord." Echinda dutifully replied.

"Oh, so you and Typhon finally conceived?" Hades rhetorically asked, "Congratulations! I knew you'd been trying for quite some time."

"Well, that's the thing…" Echinda rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment, "Do you remember back in Thebes…"

"Oh…" Hades recollected, "The donkey incident? Oh those poor children… I sent their parents gift baskets but they – uh – they were still pretty sore about the whole thing."

"Well, that's why I'm here." Echinda continued, "I swore I'd repay you for it someday, and…"

"You're giving me a puppy?" Hades suddenly shouted, his eyes glowing with childlike wonder.

"I'd rather you not downplay the fact I'm giving up my only son…"

"Oh of course I – oh…" Hades paused as his eyes locked with Persephone's, "Well, I would love to accept, but of course I must know how my wife feels about this matter."

Persephone couldn't help but smile as her hands crossed over her chest. She pondered the idea for only a brief moment, and then nodded her head in agreement. Hades joyfully attempted to leap from the bed, only to fall flat on his face.

"Uh, honey, could you possibly enthusiastically embrace Echinda in my stead?"

"Of course." Persephone said with a smile. She hugged Echinda and then placed her hands on the serpent-woman's shoulders. She could see Echinda's glassy eyes begin to well with tears. Persephone looked back to her husband gleefully playing with the puppy. The puppy barked and squeaked as Hades laughed and cooed with delight.

"I've never seen him so… well, full of life." Persephone whispered, turning back to Echinda, "He loves your son, Echinda – and I think your son is quite fond of Hades as well. He'd never let anything bad happen to him. He'll have a good life here"

Echinda raised a hand to cover her quivering upper lip, "I – I know it's just…" she sniffled and closed her eyes as a single tear rolled down her cheek, "I think I'd like to go now. This – this will only get harder."

Persephone escorted Echinda to the elevator. The duo moved much more slowly than they did at Echinda's entrance. Every so often Persephone would glance over to her, only to see more and more tears dripping from her chin and rolling down her exposed chest.

"You know," Persephone spoke at the approached the elevator, "If you ever want to visit him…"

"Would Hades really allow that?" Echinda suddenly interrupted, shaking with anticipation.

"I let him keep that dog – er – your son. If he does, it will be on my terms."

Persephone suddenly felt the air escape from her lungs as Echinda crushed her in a hopeful embrace. After letting go she zipped into the elevator and pressed a button. As the doors slowly closed she turned to Persephone:

"Please… please take care of him."

Persephone simply nodded as the doors closed completely.

"So…" Thanatos said, emerging from a dark corner of the cavern, "What exactly just happened?"

"Gah!" Persephone cried as her right hand roughly slapped Thanatos' cheek, "You can't just eavesdrop on people like that!"

"I wasn't!" Thanatos objected, "I was simply in here – actually doing my job, might I add – when suddenly some snake-lady almost crushes your spine whilst you're going on about some dog or… her son, or something… it's the kind of shit people tend to have questions about!"

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry." Persephone conceded, "But there are better and far less creepy ways of approaching someone."

"It's just… you know what? Let's just drop it, my Queen."

"Queen…" Persephone pondered as her index finger tapped her chin, "So, what exactly are my responsibilities now? As Queen?"

"Eh, well…" Thanatos paused for a moment, "It's a bit tricky. When you ate the Fruit of the Underworld…"

"Pomegranate."

"Don't…" Thanatos asserted, "Do not open that fucking can of worms again. Let's just call it the Fruit of the Underworld, okay?" Thanatos' eyes darted at Persephone, and she nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, the fruit changed you – though I'm sure you could guess that by your appearance. You are something of Hades now, and you have changed in powers just as much as appearance."

"So am I a Goddess…" Persephone gulped in fright, "Goddess of the Dead?"

"And what's wrong with that?" Thanatos wryly chuckled, "No. You see, death is my domain. Hades doesn't control death so much as he controls where the dead go. Here, the Underworld. He controls Elysium and Tartarus as well as the physical earth that surrounds it – and all that it contains. Ores, gems, and even the roots of plants are all his subjects."

"Hm…" Persephone thought, "And I… share these roles with him?"

"Mostly," Thanatos explained, "But some responsibilities are wholly his, and some are wholly yours. For example: while Hades still determines where a soul shall be sent after death, you now decide their ultimate reward or punishment. He still controls the riches of the earth, but you may now speak to the plants and encourage them to grow – for the time you're here, at least. Whenever you return to your mother, you'll go back to your previous form."

A sudden thought occurred to Persephone at that moment.

"Hades – well, for at least half of the year – he gave up those powers for me?"

"Persephone," Thantos said, turning back towards her and leaning on his staff, "Hade doesn't much care for people – or even gods, for that matter. He and I are quite content staying here unless summoned. The fact he was so infatuated with you – so willing to spend his life with you – is something special. I'll confess I don't know you, but I know Hades. He was never the type for quick flings or spontaneous affairs. I trust his judgement, but I need you to know how completely in love with you he is. He'd sacrifice his powers, kingdom, and even godhood for you. Never forget that."

Persephone brushed a tuft of hair over her shoulder and looked abashedly at the ground, her cheeks flooding with red.

"No. Never." she whispered.

"Good." Thanatos replied, "Now can you to get back to doing your jobs because I'm fucking sick of dealing with the workload of two fucking gods!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Wake me up (Wake me up inside)! I can't wake up (Wake me up inside)! SAVE ME!"

"Ugh…" a drowsy Hades groaned, shutting off his alarm clock. He turned to his wife, still entranced in a deep slumber, and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. He emerged from the covers of his bed and slowly dragged himself to the kitchen pantry."

"Ugh…" he grunted, sifting through the shelved, "Columbia Select, no… French Roast, no… Aha!" Hades selected a single K-Cup, observing its top, "Pumpkin Spice!"

Hades snagged a mug a slowly made his way to the Keurig. He placed the K-Cup inside and mug underneath. After pressing the "brew" button, he patiently waited for the coffee to be made.

"How can I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me…" Hades hummed, tapping a finger on the kitchen counter, "Breath into me and make me real…"

"Boof!" a loud voice boomed from someplace not-to-distant. Hades, of course, noticed the sound but was far too tired to properly react. Once his mug was full Hades took the first sip of his coffee, and only in his newly alerted state did he notice the sound of approaching footsteps. Thundering tracks that seemed to boom louder with every step. Hades turned to the kitchen entrance to see what the source of such noise was, but before he could react a large, gray beast tackled him. Its gigantic paused pinned him to the ground as a long, wet tongue dragged itself across Hades' face. Two more tongue's slobbered over Hades' hair and ears, and immediately he knew who the assailant was.

"Pft! Bleh!" Hades spit and gagged, trying to shield his head, "Haha, my you've gotten big!"

"Awooo!" the center head howled.

"Shh, shh!" Hades insisted before the other two heads could join in. All three heads looked down at Hades, their tilted in confusion.

"It's too early, Persephone is still sleeping!" Hades sternly whispered. The dog turned around and quietly trotted into the bedroom, returning to the kitchen shortly thereafter.

"Ruff." The dog quietly barked, seemingly acknowledging Hades' request. As the dog's head bobbed from the noise, Hades' noticed a small jingle come from the center head's neck. He squinted at the head and saw a small metal medallion hanging from it.

"Huh? What's that, boy?" He whispered, pointing to the medallion. The dog bowed down so that Hades' could observe it, and he noticed that it was a small silver pendant with a single word inscribed on it.

"Cerberus?" Hades pondered, "Is that your name boy?"

The dog's mouths widened as his tail wagged furiously.

"Well that's just fucking adorable." Hades smirked, "Well, Cerberus, I think it's about time for breakfast. Whad'ya say, boy?"

A tongue drooped from each of the three heads as Cerberus' tail wagging grew even more frantic.

"Alright, boy, take it easy." Hades chuckled, "I'll see what we've got in the larder."

Hades went down a flight of stairs in the kitchen into a cold, dry cellar. He searched the shelves for something appropriate to give Cerberus.

"Let's see…" Hades deliberated, "I've got lamb, squid, lamb, several products derived from goat's milk… aha!" Hades bellowed, lifting a hefty leg of mutton, "Lamb, perfect!"

Hades made his way back into the kitchen, struggling to carry the large cut of meat. As soon as he entered, Hades could notice six wide eyes and three slobbering mouths fixated on him.

"Well Cerberus," Hades grunted, tossing the leg before them, "Eat up!"

Without hesitation each of Cerberus' heads began to gnash and tear at the lamb, furiously devouring every bit. In but a moment's time the three heads were fighting over a single femur, completely stripped of all meat.

"Well," Hades thought aloud, "That was horrifying."

Without notice the three heads completely ceased their fighting and perked their ears up in interest. Each head turned and looked towards the others, seemingly wanting to confirm they had all heard the same thing. Without delay, Cerberus got on all fours and trotted out of the kitchen – being sure to not be loud enough to awaken Persephone.

"Where in the… wait!" Hades beckoned, chasing after Cerberus.

In the dark distance of the cavern, Hades began to hear an agitated growl that grew louder with every step he took.

"Cerberus…" Hades commanded, "Down, boy."

She growl continued to grow louder and angrier, but then suddenly there was silence. Hades hastily stepped closer, hoping to see what had angered Cerberus to such an extent. The silence was broken, however, but a loud crack that Hades recognized and the snapping of a large beast's jaws.

"No no no no no!" Hades frantically repeated himself as he dashed towards the scene. He soon saw Cerberus, facing away from Hades, his tail lazily swooping back and forth.

"Cerberus…" Hades growled from behind a clenched jaw.

The hound turned to Hades. Thankfully – albeit ironically – the dog had not killed anything. Instead, it held a small boy by his robes from center head's jaw.

"Drop it, Cerberus!" Hades commanded.

The dog lowered its neck and placed the boy on the ground. He then looked up at hades with wide eyes and let out a sad whimper as he tucked his tail between his legs.

"D'aw, come here, boy." Hades relented.

Cerberus slowly walked around the boy and came to Hades, its head still hanging in shame. Hades hugged the muzzle of the center head and began to playfully pet him.

"Try to be a little less rambunctious next time, okay?" Hades requested.

"Boof!" Cerberus enthusiastically replied.

"Hey, hey…" Hades added, "And try to stay quiet if somebody is asleep!"

"Boof!" Cerberus answered, before quietly trotting back to the kitchen.

"Now then," Hades replied, making his way to the boy, "Who are you, and what… OH LORD WHAT THE FUCK!"

The boy was hideous. His left eye was halfway shut and just a tad lower than the right, his forehead protruded out much farther than an ordinary person's, his nose was bulbous and pock-marked, and the scar reach from his mouth to his nose indicated he once had a hair-lip.

"Oh, gee, nice to meet you too." the boy sarcastically replied.

"I'm…" Hades blushed and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, "I'm sorry, kid." he extended a hand to help the boy up, "Here, let me give you a hand."

"Rather you gave me a foot." the boy jested, lifting his robes to his knees. Hades saw that his legs were horribly injured. One was bow-legged and bent and the other was crushed to the point of being little more than a stump.

"You have an awfully keen sense of humor." Hades pointed out.

"Eh, it's a defense mechanism."

"I can respect that." Hades concurred, "But I have to know, why are you here? Wait… how did you even get here?"

"Braces…" the boy said, pointing his thumb behind him, "They fell of when that dog grabbed me."

"I'm on it." Hades said, trotting a few meters forward. He found two pieces of shaped metal on the ground. They consisted of several rods, joints, and flat cylinders to wrap around the boy's legs. One had a metal filling at the lower half, most likely meant to compensate for the boy's shriveled stump leg. Hades gripped them under his arms and moved back to the boy.

The boy gracefully accepted the braces and strapped them onto his legs. His shriveled leg fit into the metal mold, and the boy flexed and moved it just like a normal, functioning leg. The boy then grunted in pain as he clasped on the second brace, which twisted and broke his bow-leg into a more straight and normal shape. He vigorously hopped to his feet, when suddenly a slew of gemstones fell from his pockets.

"Ah…" Hades smugly remarked, "So that's why Cerberus was so mad at you… and here you had me yelling at him!"

"He could've killed me!"

"He's a good boy!" Hades cried, "And why are you stealing my shit?"

"Look," the boy answered, trying to keep calm, "My name is Hephaestus, son of Hera."

Hades took a step back, and then froze. "You're… you're the child she was going to have… right after I left with Persephone…"

"Yes, right after you raped Persephone."

"Excuse me?" a mildly infuriated Hades growled, "We are happily – and quite _consensually_ – married!"

"Eh, not what they're saying up there." Hephaestus replied, pointing to the ceiling.

"THAT ISN'T FUCKING CANON!" Hades screamed towards the sky. He then attempted to cool down, remembering that such sound could awaken his bride, "Ugh, whatever. But, weren't you born like… a week ago?"

"I'm a god. We don't exactly age the same way." Hephaestus condescendingly explained, "Don't you remember that?"

"Well," Hades began, "My father ate me, and my entire childhood was spent in his stomach. So, no, I don't remember my early years too fucking well. So, now that we've got that out of the way, care to explain why the fuck you were stealing my shit?"

Hephaestus sighed, and then pointed down at his legs, "You see these braces? I made them. They're so flawlessly crafted that they serve perfect replacements for actual legs. I'm the god of metalsmiths and craftsmen, master of molding metals."

"Honey?" a voice echoed from back in the cavern, "Is everything alright?"

"Fuck!" Hades whispered, "See this shit? God dammit… all I wanted to do today was get some work done and let Persephone get some sleep. Somehow, you've made me fail at both!"

"Ugh…" Hephaestus sighed. He raised his hands, and suddenly a large, singled sapphire rose from the gemstones on the ground. Six amethysts soon followed, and the seven gems formed a perfect heptagon, floating in the air. Seemingly at Hephaestus' command, several ores of silver and platinum leaked out of the walls and wove between the gemstones. The precious metals wrapped around them into beautifully intricate and woven shapes. The gems were slowly chipped and formed, creating a shining sapphire and six amethysts in the striking shape of purple lilies. The result was a perfectly elaborate white crown. Despite the darkness of Hades, the gemstones still radiated a perfect light. The crown slowly lowered into Hephaestus' hands, and he proceeded to shove it into Hades' hands.

"Take the fucking thing," Hephaestus insisted, "Are we square now?"

"What the fuck…" Hades stopped as a hand placed itself lightly upon his shoulder.

"Hades…" Persephone's still sleepy voice beckoned, "I heard some yelling and… barking… what's going on?"

"Uh, well…" Hades turned around, forgetting he was still caressing Hephaestus' diadem between his hands. Persephone's eyes widened in awe at first, but soon a look of confusion covered her face.

"Hades, what is that?"

"Uh, well, it's kind of a long story…"

"Forgive me, my lady," Hephaestus interrupted, revealing himself to Persephone, "My name is Hephaestus. I was born to Hera shortly after your – ahem – courtship with Hades."

"Oh dear…" Persephone gasped, seeing the god's metal braces, "What happened to you?"

"Nothing you need concern yourself with." Hephaestus explained, "These prosthetics are of my own design, and I can assure you they are more than acceptable replacements for my damaged limbs. To get back to the point, your dear husband had commissioned me to craft a gift for you. A crown truly worthy of the Queen of the Underworld. I only hope its craftsmanship is worthy of your status.

Persephone wordlessly stole the crown from Hades and laid it upon her shining silver locks. Her fingers caressed the complex metalwork and flawlessly carved gems. She let out a pleasant sigh and then embraced Hades, their lips meeting in a passionate kiss.

"You're so sweet," Persephone whispered, "It really betrays your reputation. As for you…" Persephone released Hades and approached Hephaestus, "It's truly magnificent. Be sure to continue your work."

With that, Persephone waltzed back to the bedchamber as a stunned Hades and devilishly satisfied Hephaestus watched.

"She is way too good for you." Hephaestus pointed out.

"Watch it, you cheeky fucker."


End file.
